Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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