why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Someone signed my nipple.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
