Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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