Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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