Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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