did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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