nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
