i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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