Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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