just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
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I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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