I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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