Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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