It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
