worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
