I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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