remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
