NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
