Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
