you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
40s are totally the cure
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
