Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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