I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
