i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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