Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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