This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
is wine microwaveable?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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