i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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