I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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