When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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