sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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