You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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