We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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