So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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