I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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