The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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