i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
