My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
