i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
