Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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