my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
