I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This is the high leading the old right now
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
