Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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