She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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