You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
