Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
