I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?