Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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