im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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