I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
