why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
