when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
