take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
