broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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