i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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