i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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