Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
