She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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