Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
