you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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