Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
